Parenting Matters, Cynthia Martin

Last month we discussed some general rules about discipline. But this week we have two more ways to discipline that might help.

 

Withholding privileges is another way to discipline. This is when you tell your child that if he does not cooperate, you will take away something he likes. You never want to take away something he truly needs, such as a meal or even something that is good for him such as a book he likes.

 

It is best when you can take something that he values that has something to do with what he did wrong. If he argues with his brother, then he can’t have a friend over to play. If he is watching television when he shouldn’t be watching, obviously you can take away television from him.

 

If your child is younger than 6 or 7 years, withholding privileges works best if done right away. For example, if your child misbehaves in the morning, do not tell him he can’t watch TV that evening because that is way too much time in between and he may not connect the behavior with the consequence. It could be television he watches in the morning. You could not let him wear his favorite shirt. Whatever you take away, be sure you can follow through on what you said you would do. Don’t forget.

 

Time-out is a technique that works well when a specific rule has been broken. It really works well with children from 2 to 6 years of age, but can be used throughout childhood. Follow these steps to make a time-out work.

 

• Set the rules ahead of time: Decide which two or three things he does that you are trying to change. Explain to your child that if he does these, it will cause you to use a time-out with him. You may have to repeat this often.

 

• Choose a time-out spot: This should be a boring place with nothing that will distract or entertain him. A chair to move around or a window to look out are not good places. The main goal is to separate him and give him time to pause, think about it and cool off. Remember that bathrooms can be dangerous and bedrooms may be way too much fun.

 

• Start the time-out: Give him one warning unless what he did is too aggressive and could cause harm. If it happens again, send him to the time-out spot right away. Briefly tell him what he did wrong in just a few words and with as little emotion as possible. If he won’t go to the spot on his own, pick him up and carry him there. If he won’t stay, stand behind him and hold him gently but firmly.

 

Then tell him without eye contact, “I am holding you here because you have to have a time-out.” Once said is enough so do not discuss it any further. Ignore his promises, questions, excuses or outbursts (such as foul language). It should only take a couple of time-outs before he learns to cooperate and will choose to sit quietly rather than be held down.

 

• Set a time limit: Once he sits quietly, set a timer so that he will know when the time-out is over. A rule of thumb is 1 minute of time-out for every year of your child’s age (a 4-year-old would get a 4-minute time-out). But any time, even 15 seconds, often will work. If fussing starts, restart the timer. Don’t start the timer again until he is quiet.

 

• Back to play: When his time-out is finished, help him return to play. He has “served his time.” Don’t lecture or ask for apologies. Remind him that you love him. If you need to discuss his behavior, wait until later.

 

Each child is different. Try different techniques and find what works best for your child and for you.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation. The foundation publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.