"Number one authority on nothing"
Matthew Nash
Contact Matt at mnash@sequimgazette.com
Matthew Nash hails from Portland, Ore., and stumbled into writing for newspapers when his high school allowed him to write movie reviews. Nash is married to a kindergarten teacher. They have one child together who is named after two superheroes.

As our June due date approaches, the amount of baby items begins to fill our living room.

 

Baby bibs, baby socks, baby hats, baby pants, baby highchair, baby activity set, baby car seats, baby stroller, baby babies, babies’ babies, etc.

 

I don’t mind the amount of stuff. It’s amazing to discover all the baby items available that shadow what we non-babies use on a daily basis.

 

Not that I think babies just roll around in a diaper, but I’m sure baby shaving kits and baby MP3 players are for sale somewhere.

 

Technology definitely is hitting the baby world. We’re going from rocking chairs to Rosie the Robots. Or more realistically, parents are turning to conveniences like baby monitors with rotating cameras and using Skype with a friend so that he/she can watch your child while you go to the bathroom. I dunno if some parents teach typing early on with texting, but it could be out there.

 

We haven’t gotten that high tech yet. My wife and I are more concerned about finding cute overalls and dinosaur hats. We had a good laugh over possible Star Wars Halloween costumes of Chewbacca that looks more like a mangled dog and Yoda that might result in our kid putting us in a home at age 40.

 

We’re learning a lot about the products we should buy and avoid.

 

What kind of butt powders are safe? Should we use regular diapers or save Mother Earth and go green with cloth diapers? What books should we read to him?

 

We have a good grasp on all of these, but as I’m told, first time parents always are anxious and filled with questions.

 

My wife asked me the other night why there are so many baby girls’ clothes compared to baby boys’ clothes.

 

From my experience, most boys’ T-shirts have absurd sayings like “Daddy’s little space explorer” or “Daddy’s little pooper.”

 

If babies are exploring space then we should investigate labor laws with NASA. Also, dads should be concerned if their son is promoting pooping on a T-shirt.

 

My wife and I agreed to keep our son’s clothes cute with animals and dinosaurs.

 

After reviewing a few baby sites, some do have more girls clothing than boys, which probably plays into gender stereotyping. Maybe parents of baby girls feel obligated to buy cute dresses and headbands. It’s a peer pressure thing down at the park, maybe.

Scene 1:

Mindy brought her baby Kiki’s new outfit from the Gap making the other gals jealous.

 

So at the next playdate, Bambi, Dolores and Bertha all buy Banana Republic, Old Navy and other store’s outfits to keep up with Kiki. Everyone oohs and aahs when secretly resenting one another a la “Desperate Housewives.”  

Scene 2:
Mindy shows up with baby Nick’s new outfit from the Gap. Other gals in playdate acknowledge how cute the outfit is, but don’t feel the need to buy outfits because of the limited societal pressures and advertising devoted to boys clothing.  

Matt shows up with his son to a playdate. He begins taking bets that his son can beat any other baby in arm wrestling. Other parents think Matt is strange and ask him to leave. Matt leaves.

The End.