Most people are concerned about the violence in our society. We need to remember that all the people who commit violent acts, were at one time, children. What can we do as parents to prevent our children from becoming part of the violence that is so prevalent in our society? Is there anything we can do to prevent violence? The answer to these questions is most emphatically … YES!

As a parent, you are the most important and influential person in your child’s life. He watches you for clues about what is appropriate and what isn’t. If you are a threatening person, he is likely to become a threatening person.

If you holler and scream at him or at your partner, he is more likely to use the same response when he is angry. If you use hitting as a way of expressing your anger, he likely will imitate your behavior. If you take him with you to see violent movies or allow him to watch violence on television, he will begin to feel that the violent behavior he sees is normal.

If you allow him to abuse others, his friends, animals, and even yourself, even when he is a toddler, you are giving him your approval.

If you purchase toys for him that encourage violence, once again you are saying to him that you approve of violent behavior.

No matter what you do, your child still may show some violence. Even if you don’t buy him guns or violent toys, he may pretend that other objects are guns. And in each child’s life, some violence will creep in no matter how diligent you are as a parent.

But as he grows older, with your help and example, he will learn that words work better than hitting and that talking is better than screaming.

Vicki Lansky, in her book, “Practical Parenting Tips,” discusses ways parents can help their children vent their anger in appropriate ways:

“Encourage your child to vent anger physically by running around outdoors, punching a big batch of play dough or hitting a tree with a stick.

Teach the child to count to five in a loud, angry voice, to play an angry song on a musical instrument or to dance an angry dance.

Shout something loud with your child and let your voices drop … drop … until there’s silence.

Ask an angry child to draw a picture showing the angry feelings — a creative way to relieve them.

Help your child deal with anger by creating a Rage Rock. Pick out a rock together, paint it, then have your child squeeze it when angry. Keep it in a convenient location.”

Your response to your child’s anger really matters. Don’t just be angry yourself. Be careful how you express your anger because you are teaching your child how to express his. Never belittle him when you are angry. Saying things like “Don’t you have a brain?” or “What’s wrong with you?” conveys a negative message to your child about who he is.

It is OK to be angry. We all get there from time to time. But many words hurt, especially for children who believe you, so choose words carefully. Your child is learning about himself by how you see him.

Here are some things you can teach your child.

1. Stay calm if possible. Talk to your child about moving away from situations when they get out of control. Talk to him about breathing deeply and relaxing.

2. Meet together as a family. Talk through problems that are developing in your family so that your child learns that talking, not fighting, will solve problems.

3. Teach by example. If your child sees you solving problems with words, he is likely to imitate your behavior. On the other hand, he also will imitate your behavior if you use physical methods to solve problems.

4. Cut down on the negative examples in his life. Monitor what your child watches; then you can talk together about what people could have done differently. Talk about school problems that your child has experienced and how those could have been handled differently.

But while he is young, make a commitment to yourself and to him to control the violence that he is exposed to. Make a commitment to help him discover more appropriate ways for him to handle his anger. Help him to learn to control his anger and express it verbally, not physically.

Make a commitment to help change society. You are his most important teacher, even about violence.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation. Reach her at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.