It isn’t easy when grandma or grandpa is sick and you have young children. It is difficult to say exactly what you should do. Talking about illness — and particularly death — is something most of us aren’t really good at, because the subject is painful.

You want to avoid having difficult times with your child when he hears that grandpa is very sick. You also know that there is a distinct possibility that when older people become very sick that they may die. So what should you say to your child about grandpa?

It is important to tell your child the truth. Your child’s trust in you is built on incidents like this when the parent is truthful with him.

At the same time, every parent’s natural reaction is to protect your children from pain and suffering. When someone they love like a grandparent is sick, however even young children know when things aren’t right.

Your honesty in this difficult time can help build trust and help your children cope better with challenges later in life. How you handle things will help make this situation as good as possible.

Action plan

Here are some ideas of ways to make this time better:

Practice what you will say to your child.

When a loved family member is sick, everyone’s emotions are heightened. It really helps to plan ahead what you want to say to your children before you begin to talk with them. They will take cues from you and react based on your emotional state. If you expect you will not be in control of your emotions, it may help to have another family member be the one to talk with your children.

Use age-appropriate explanations your child can understand.

When describing the illness and what’s going to happen, use terminology your children can understand. Saying “grandpa has a problem with his heart and the doctors are trying to help him” will be better than trying to describe the intricacies of coronary heart disease to a young child. Saying, “Grandpa has Alzheimer’s Disease” might better be said by just saying “Grandpa has big memory problems; he forgets a lot, but he still loves you.”

Keep your explanation brief.

You can always elaborate if needed. Start with the basic and simplest explanation. You can expand on it when your children ask questions. This allows them to hear as much information as they can handle without feeling overwhelmed.

Be comfortable saying, “I don’t know.”

Having all the answers is never easy, especially during a time of such heartache. It’s helpful to tell your child that you may not know about certain things, like, “How did Grandpa die?” “What will happen to us?” “Why did our dog Butch run in front of the car, Mommy?” or other unanswerable questions.

Cry. Cry together.

Cry often. It’s healing and it helps.

Be realistic about his possible improvement.

If your loved one has an illness that won’t get better, do not offer false hope. Being clear with your child that someone he loves may die is difficult, but talking about death early helps prepare him for this eventuality.

Expect some changes in young children’s behavior.

When a close relative is ill, children do not always talk about their feelings and emotions. You may need to talk about it with your child to help him verbalize how he feels about what is happening. Sometimes children who don’t know how to express their feelings whine or cling to you more than they usually do. This is a clue to you about how they are feeling.

Decide if visiting will be positive or negative.

In some cases, visiting a sick grandparent may help your children accept the loved one’s illness. However, if the illness is particularly devastating, visiting may do more harm than good. If you do decide to visit, prepare your child for any changes in appearance, behavior or medical equipment they may find when they visit.

Talk together with your partner or a friend about the situation before you talk with your children. This is an important discussion and well worth spending some time to try to get it as right as you can.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.