As parents, we may get angry at times. No matter whether we are angry at our children or at someone or something else, how we handle our anger teaches our children how they should learn to handle their anger.
We may make angry negative comments that are hurtful to our children. Many comments made in anger may cause a child to feel they are unlovable. It is important to listen to the kinds of things we may say in anger.
Examples of inappropriate comments made in anger include comments like the ones below:
• You are driving me crazy!
• You will never learn!
• What in the world is wrong with you?
• I have had it up to here with you!
• Can’t you do anything right?
• Don’t you have a brain?
It is okay to be angry. We all get there from time to time. But words can hurt, especially for children who believe you, so choose your words carefully. Your child is learning about himself by how you see him.
There are ways to handle our feelings when anger takes over. Some ways to be angry can be effective and others can be destructive.
Get control
Controlling your anger is important for you and also for the example you set for your child. Before you can control your anger you need to become familiar with the signs of your anger which indicate you are upset and beginning to lose control. Each person has different signs of anger.
Here are some anger clues to look out for:
• Your voice volume increases or trembles
• Your face gets red and flushed
• Your hands shake
• Your jaw tightens
• You breathe faster
• You wish everyone would just leave
• You find it difficult to concentrate
• You feel out of control
Recognize your own signs of anger and let them be your warning to back off and get control of yourself.
Anger is a natural, healthy, appropriate emotion. Anger is a way all children communicate at certain times. Sometimes anger is the way your child will feel he must express himself. Without him expressing anger we might not know about the distress he is feeling.
Here are some ways to help:
• If you want to help him learn to control his anger, don’t respond with anger. That will make things worse.
• Listen to him, watch him, ask him concerned questions to try to find the source of his distress.
• Help him decrease his anger by supporting him, by listening, by offering direct help, and by helping him learn to express his feelings in words.
There is also anger that is the basis of domestic violence. Battering is the single largest cause of injury to women in the United States. More than 50 percent of all women will experience some form of violence from their spouses during their marriage. Many women are repeatedly battered. Four thousand women are estimated to be battered in Clallam County every year.
We also know that where there is domestic violence there is a greater likelihood of children becoming victims as well. You can always call 911 or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 360-452-HELP (4357).
As violence has become more of an issue in our society, it has become more important to teach young people about good ways to solve problems. Children need to learn to solve problems peacefully. Learning how to do this begins at home.
Here are some things you can teach your child:
1. Stay calm if possible.
When people, including family members, get angry, they frequently say things they wish they hadn’t. Talk to your child about moving away from situations when they get out of control. Talk to him about breathing deeply and relaxing as much as possible.
2. Meet together as a family
Talk through problems that are developing in your family, so that your child learns that talking, not fighting, will solve problems.
3. Teach him by example
If your child sees you solving problems with words, he is likely to imitate your behavior. He will also imitate your behavior if you use physical methods to solve problems.
4. Talk together regularly
Talk together about what people could have done differently when you see arguments developing. Talk about problems that your child has experienced or witnessed at school. Again, talk about how those could have been handled differently.
Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. To reach current First Teacher Executive Director Nicole Brewer, email nicole@firstteacher.org or call 360-681-2250.
