Sometimes discipline is inappropriate. If you want your discipline to really mean something, use it wisely; parents need to be careful not to discipline their child unnecessarily.

What does that mean? Let’s look at some examples.

Your child eats most of the food he has on his plate but not all of it. Some parents would insist that the child eat it all, so they punish their child for leaving some food uneaten. That is not a good example of appropriate discipline.

It is okay to talk with your child about how he should take less food and eat it all next time. This should not include anger in your voice — it should be a simple conversation about the amount of food he takes and what he doesn’t eat.

Then the topic should be over. To get angry over uneaten food is not a good idea and can lead to your child having issues with food in the future.

Perhaps you have a child who never says “please” or “thank you” when she asks for things or when she receives things. What kind of discipline should a parent use to change this?

The first thing a parent should do is look at his or her own behavior. Do you say “please” and “thank you” regularly so your child hears these important words. Even in the last example of taking too much food, parents should first look at their own behavior. Do you set an example of eating all of your food on your plate? Your behavior sets the standard for the behavior of your child. Check yourself out first, and make sure your example is a good one.

These are examples of inappropriate discipline but not as serious as they can be. This kind of inappropriate discipline can be more damaging and more serious.

Inappropriate discipline can damage a child’s long term mental and physical health. It can cause a child to experience low self-esteem, self-harm and substance abuse.

Inappropriate discipline includes physical and verbal abuse. Hitting, slapping, pushing, pinching, biting or physically dragging a child are examples of physical abuse. Verbal abuse includes yelling, cursing, name-calling and belittling. Hitting and yelling do not set an example of good behavior for your child.

Neglectful behavior toward your child includes withholding food, shelter, medical care or attention. Isolating a child or depriving him of food or drink are other inappropriate practices parents’ that sometime parents use. These behaviors are also inappropriate and are about as helpful as hitting or yelling.

More appropriate discipline may include using a time out and discussing the problem. Taking away toys or privileges is another way to teach the child appropriate behavior. Even just taking the time with your child to point out the natural consequences of the child’s behavior is a helpful way to use appropriate discipline.

Each of these ways teaches your child to use his words and learn about appropriate behavior.

You need your discipline to work. Spend some time and think about what you are doing and how you might do it more effectively. When discipline works it saves you time and effort and increases your bond with your child. It also makes you feel better.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which published newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents.