It might have been nice if your child ended his “no” stage when he was 2 — but that is not how it worked out. So what do you now that you are confronted with this negative side of your child who is 8 or 10 or older?

Here are some hints that might help:

1. Be specific about what you are asking but always show respect by using “please” and “thank you.”

2. Make your request totally clear and be sure he understands what you are asking and why.

3. Praise her for following through when that is what she does.

4. If he doesn’t follow through, remain calm and don’t overreact.

5. Now is the time you need to really help her. Begin step-by-step. Tell her you love her and you want her to do what you told her to do. Give her one step at a time to make sure she can handle more than one or two steps before going on.

6. If you need to or if it would help him, develop a checklist of what he needs to do. A list of today’s chores could help. With a list, he can see what he is expected to complete or maybe even check them off.

7. Set goals. When she can see she has finished his work, she will have a sense of accomplishment. Let her know, “When you have finished cleaning your room, then you can have a friend over to play.” Let her hear your pleasure that she has done his chores.

8. Praise him for following through when that is what he does. He needs to be proud of what he has accomplished.

9. Do what you said you would do. She needs to be able to believe you will do what you said you would do.

10. Share your feelings with other significant people. Talk with your partner and talk with his grandparents about what he has done so well. It is fine if he overhears what you have to say.

When you enforce rules at home, the school will also have an easier time with him. He wants the direction and he needs the sense of accomplishment when he completes his tasks. Even learning how to organize his tasks by putting them on a list is a helpful life skill to know.

You are really working on more than getting the chores done. You want her to be proud of what she has done, and you want her to know you are paying close attention. You also want her to feel she is helping in a significant way.

Learning about doing what you are asked to do and doing it well can have long term consequences for both of you.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and former executive director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which published newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents.