Disciplining a child is critical. It doesn’t begin at birth other than for you to learn how to do it properly.

As you slowly enter the stages where discipline is important to apply, it all should begin very gently.

It may be as soft as taking your child out of the high chair because she is throwing food on the floor.

To take her out of the chair where she is doing something wrong gives her a message about what you will tolerate.

As she gets older, you will need to change your tactics.

1. Discover when she misbehaves.

Is she tired and maybe cranky? Is she hungry? Is she feeling ignored?

2. Try to understand the behavior.

If you can figure out what may have caused her misbehavior, you are on the right track.

3. Have appropriate and realistic expectations for her.

If you expect more from her than she is old enough to give to you, you will fail. Think through whether the behavior you expect is something she really can accomplish.

4. Tell her what you expect so she will be ready to behave appropriately.

To just tell her to clean her room when she is 3, 4 or even 5 years of age may not be realistic. Instead, tell her to put all of her toys in one place or pick up her clothes and put them in a pile somewhere else. These are tasks she is capable of doing.

5. Clearly talk with her about the limits and consequences of her behavior.

If she is having a friend over, make sure she knows what you do not want her to do as well as what you do want. Explain she has to share her toys and she may not hit anyone. Let her learn to play the things her friend wants her to play.

6. Do what you told her you would do.

This is called “Following Through.” If you tell her you will take away her favorite toy if she keeps hitting her baby brother, do it.

If you tell her to not throw the baseball in the house or you will not let her play with it anymore, do it. This is a critical ingredient in being a successful disciplinarian.

7. Set up situations for her to do the right thing and to succeed.

If she regularly doesn’t get along with one friend, don’t have that friend come over; have someone else.

If the thing you are asking her to do is something she is capable of doing, you have one step right toward her succeeding. If she is a messy child, give her something that won’t be messy.

8. Don’t reward her when she does the wrong thing even if it will quiet her down or make her stop doing something.

If you have taken her to a restaurant and she is being very loud, don’t buy her ice cream to get her to be quiet. If she is rude to people, don’t immediately give her something she wants.

9. If you are not willing to deal with the problem, be quiet.

Discipline requires action on your part. Just getting mad doesn’t solve anything.

10. As much as you can, tell your child what to do, not what not to do.

Instead of saying don’t write on the wall, say write only on this paper. Don’t say don’t hit your brother; say be nice to your brother.

Think about your interaction with your child.

Does it have more don’ts than do’s?

11. If what you are doing with your child doesn’t work, try doing something different … don’t just be louder.

What more can we say? Remember, this is one of the most frequently ignored rules of discipline. This is even true training puppies let alone your child.

12. Be fair and loving.

Remember that you have bad days too and you may be the one who should be being disciplined.

Work on being fair at all times but accept the fact that sometimes you may be the one who messes up.

Make sure there is plenty of loving to make up for these weak times in your parenting skills and also because your child really needs to feel your love.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.