When your child comes home from school unhappy with her day, it is important to figure out what is going on. One of the most usual complaints from children is that they don’t have friends. Since most friends a child has are from school, this causes strong complaints about school. This isn’t something parents should ignore.

You may need to help your child figure out what would make a good friend. One writer, Michele Elliott in her book, “601 Ways To Be A Good Parent,” surveyed 200 children and asked them what they looked for in a friend.

Elliott found when children are looking for friends, they are drawn to someone who does the following:

• Smiles and is happy most of the time.

• Likes to join in and play with others.

• Isn’t bossy.

• Helps others with school work.

• Shares things.

• Makes them laugh and is fun to be with.

• Listens when friends want to talk.

• Is kind.

• Sticks up for them.

• Stays the same. They aren’t nice one day and mean the next.

Then Elliott talked with teachers and asked what they thought made students “popular” with students and with teachers. They too had strong views which included the following:

• Students were self-confident.

• They were good at organizing games and activities.

• They could handle disappointments and setbacks.

• They were good listeners.

• They had a good sense of humor.

• They had good skills for communicating.

• They were healthy and frequently good at sports.

• They were able to sort out conflict between children and were less likely to be in conflict themselves.

• They complimented other students and were not critical.

If your child is having problems with friends at school, take some time to help. So how would you know? The first clue might be if she doesn’t seem happy. What friends invite her over to play? Who does she ask to come to her house to play? Does she get invited to birthday parties? Who does she eat lunch with? Who does she call or talk about? All these will give you an idea of how she is doing with friends. It also doesn’t hurt to ask her.

Once you know there is a problem, you can begin to talk about it or read about it. You don’t have to have all the answers; you just need to be open to the talking about it.

Go to the Internet or to the library with her and show her how you can find a book or information about making friends. It is wonderful that you have a topic you can research together and learn more about finding answers on the Internet or at the library.

If you have a good relationship with another mother who has a daughter of her age, see how she evaluates your child when the two children play together. Even asking other family members to help you understand how to help your daughter is worth pursuing.

Much of what you do to help your child on developing friends has implications for helping your child on whatever problem he or she is having. Be open, be understanding and be helpful. Listen more than talk. Be available. Let her know you are there for her and that you love her.

Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, Reach her at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.