It is easy to forget that children are watching you, learning from you and doing exactly what you are doing. So are you satisfied with the example you are setting? Let’s look at some of the common examples people present to their children.
The phone rings and you answer it. Someone asks you a question about what you are doing tomorrow and you really don’t want to answer. You tell the person you have an appointment when you really don’t have an appointment. Basically you are lying. Your child is listening.
You become very angry with your children because they argue. Yet you and your partner argue regularly. The lesson is obviously being well learned.
You tell your children you want them to eat healthy foods and not so much junk. But you are the one who buys junk food and then wonder why they keep eating it.
You try to teach your child about money and how to save for what she wants to buy. Then you take her shopping and you buy things you cannot afford. She watches and she learns.
You are watching television and the shows are not what you would let your child watch. He sees what you are watching. He probably will follow your example.
It has been a difficult day and you are relaxing and watching television. You ask your young child to bring you a beer — not a good idea. In fact, when I interviewed 10 children and asked what was the worst example they could think of that their parents gave them. Seven out of 10 answered that “getting drunk” was most frequently mentioned.
Hopefully not you but another person’s children were playing on the couch and the children found a syringe. This is rivaling a worst example.
Leadership starts …
If you expect your child to say “please” and “thank you,” he needs to hear you saying it. If you expect her to learn to pick up her room, she needs to see that you pick up your room. If you expect her to be polite on the telephone, she needs to hear your example.
Think about ways to teach your child to be compassionate toward others. Have conversations with your child to help him think about what others might be feeling and think what it would be like to be in that person’s shoes.
But most importantly, take some time to pay attention to the lessons you are teaching. You teach them if you are the parent, the older sibling, the aunt or uncle, grandparent or neighbor. You teach them when you walk down the street and smile at people. You teach them when you go to their soccer game and are a really good sport even when your favorite team messes up the play. You teach them when you play games and handle losing with grace.
You also are setting an example when you donate to a worthy cause or help a person in need. You teach your child when you donate school supplies for children who don’t have the money to buy them. Many of you did that recently in our Back to School Stuff the Bus program. For that help, we thank you. When you are caring and generous you are setting an example as well as benefiting others so many benefit.
Research that David Brooks wrote about in a recent commentary in the Peninsula Daily News told about changes in the last 40 years that have been measured by students entering UCLA. Today’s students score about 40 percent lower on measures of empathy than students did about 30 years ago. Is this the young person’s fault or is it the example we are setting?
We are each in a powerful position to be an example to others. You don’t have to be a teacher to teach or even a parent to parent. We each just need to remember that young people are watching and learning from us.
Cynthia Martin is the founder of the First Teacher program and director of Parenting Matters Foundation, which publishes newsletters for parents, caregivers and grandparents. Reach Martin at pmf@olypen.com or at 681-2250.
