Following a long illness at home, my husband was in a nursing home for four years until his death (he had most of the nastier effects of diabetes). For more hours than most, I watched the comings and goings of staff, residents and families.
I learned a lot about surviving the often overwhelming experience, and would like to share it with you … in case you are a caregiver who finds yourself in a similar situation. Keep in mind, these are thoughts on long stays, not the shorter, rehab kinds.
One: Choose a nursing home for what you need, not what it has
Do your homework in advance if you can. It is easier to do before you are in the emotional throes of needing one NOW. A lot of info is online, but be careful with ratings. An overall score is not as important as the individual score on each asset. For instance, if you can’t afford a private room, it hardly matters whether the facility has them. If you will need Medicaid a few weeks in, then choose a place that takes it if you can find one … otherwise you’ll be faced with yet another wrenching move in next to no time.
Judge more than the ‘packaging.’ The newest and prettiest place may not be the best choice if your loved one would prefer a homier, less regimented atmosphere. If you know in advance that long term care is imminent, tour the places. It helps your flexibility in decision making if you have done your research in advance.
But keep in mind that the exact moment your spouse needs the home, you may have to take the one with a vacancy, not the one you have chosen. Do not be disheartened. It’s not fun, but you can make the move as soon as possible.
Two: Guilt goes with the territory
If you are the daughter, son, spouse or close friend, guilt can eat you alive. If you put your loved one in a home, you’ll feel guilty. If you don’t, and he/she falls, you’ll feel guilty.
Make your decisions based on the best information you have, and follow that path. Don’t torture yourself by questioning the course each and every minute. Don’t let anyone shame you for choosing out-of-home care. They don’t know what you are dealing with. You ARE a good daughter, son, spouse or close friend.
Three: Control your visits
At first you are likely to think you need to be there every moment with your loved one. S(he) may find that far too arduous. So will you, and we’re talking long hauls here … not weeks but maybe years. Nobody is holding a stopwatch. Conserve your resources.
Time your visits when it is the easiest on you both. Mornings were already filled with therapy, wound care, etc. so my husband had enough to do; afternoons were best for us.
While this may seem cruel, I had enough difficulty dealing with my own situation that I needed to protect myself from the relentless miseries of all the other residents. Because I visited for years, I became well enough known to the staff that they gave me the combination to the side door lock, so I didn’t have to walk down those long and sorrowful hallways. I learned to avoid meal time; I simply couldn’t face the dining room ritual.
I stopped visiting on Sunday when most families gathered, because it was the hardest day on those residents who never saw relatives. These actions were okay with my husband and made visits a great deal easier on me.
Editor’s note: Read part two of “The Long Haul: Surviving as a caregiver” in Myers’ next column on Aug. 1.
Linda B. Myers is a founding member of Olympic Peninsula Authors and author of the PI Bear Jacobs mystery series. Her newest novel, The Slightly Altered History of Cascadia, is available at amazon.com. Contact her at myerslindab@gmail.com or Facebook.com/lindabmyers.author.
