The torn out pages from my insect guidebook tell me when to swat and when to flee.

The turned down pages in my mushroom photo guide keep me out of the emergency room.

But driving is the DEFCOM 5 in all our lives, especially in Clallam County!

I offer readers my personal mathematical evaluation system that allows a precise moment-by-moment calculation of the threat other drivers present. Take note:

Baseball hat worn backwards: 2 Points. If the driver is male: 6 Points.

Decal of a little boy relieving himself: 2 Points.

A light bar above the windshield: 3 Points. (Those lusting for the “off-road experience” often confuse asphalt with packed dirt).

Tinted windows: 5 Points. (What are they hiding?).

A bumper sticker you don’t understand: 3 Points.

Any vehicle named after an animal: 4 Points. Added points if the critter has: Horns: 7 Points. Fangs: 8 Points. Cold Blood: 9 Points. Antennae: 2 Points.

Smoke filled interior: 8 Points. Smoke obscures the driver: 16 Points.

Unsecured animal sliding around a pickup bed: Canine: 5 Points. Ungulatine: 6 Points. Bovine: 8 Points. Equine: 10 Points.

You can spot missing teeth in the driver embracing your rear fender: 12 Points.

Vehicle covered with mud: 6 Points. (High adrenal levels).

Vehicles with names ending in “—arri,” “—ghini,” “—rati” or “—la”: 11 Points (These drivers believe they are the only vehicle on the road).

Driving gloves: 4 points. Safety helmet: 7 points. Driving scarf and mask: 8 points. Any two: 12 Points.

More than seven passengers: 7 Points.

A George Bush or George McGovern bumper sticker: 5 Points. (Clues to the driver’s vintage).

Dog in lap: 4 Points. Cat: 6 Points. Serpent: 10 Points Unrecognizable animal: 12 Points.

Cell Phone Use: One hand 14 Points. Two hands 28 Points.

Driver calculating a Defensive Driving score on a dashboard note pad: 14 points.

Point totals

1-4 Points: Be alert

5-7 points: Use extreme caution

8-10 Points: Change course ASAP

11-13 Points: Take evasive action

14-19 Points: Disaster is imminent

20+ Points: Are your affairs in order?

Greg Madsen is Sequim resident.